Wednesday, February 28, 2007

A Party to End All Parties

My trip to Nigeria has been postponed. Bummer. The only good thing I can see about this is that it will allow me to raise more dinero, and that I will be here for the spring and summer line.of clothes (yipee). It will also give me the opportunity to tone up my body. I want to look super hot when I go to Nigeria, scratch that I want to look slamming. I want necks and bodies to break before and after I land. It will take a long time to reach that target because right now I am looking like a HOT MESS!

I feel I am slipping, I am not feeling the way I used to, I was always on point, runway material. Now most of these days I can pass for a homeless person. Winter does that to me. It brings on those blues. But I know I will bounce out of it quickly, I have no choice.

S.O. Sexy has not been complaining that much, he is such a trooper!

I am expecting a visitor from NAIJA, one of Nigeria's top actors is coming to see me. Can anyone guess who it is? I had to pull a lot of strings to arrange it. Actually, my visitor I want to see if he will be able to arrange more of his fellow actors and actresses in Nollywood to arrange a function for me at my house.

I want to throw a function to end all functions, from dancers, to boxers, to live animals. That is the main reason why I have to postpone my trip.
And my fellow bloggers, before I go I will throw the biggest party that blogsville has ever seen.

I will need the help of some of my handy blogger buds to help me. BIMBYLADS we need you and OT to work out all of the logistics. I would have given you the responsibility to cook the food but you have already threatened to poison me with your bush meat from your evil forest. LONDON NAIJA CHIC I will need your expertise in the cooking, for obvious reasons (smile). OVERWHELMED we will need you to do the design as long as the theme is not Black- Hook us up. We need some music Mr. Yosh we need you to get it crunk, abeg none of your rock music. London Buki and Calabar Gal what assignment should I give the two women that are always harassing me- hmm... You two can man the doors not to allow hoodlums and all sorts to come in. Ex-School Nerd you are in charge of inviting all of the LAGOS big boys to the event. LAW DAMSEL and CONFUSED NAIJA GIRL you guys I trust you to make it a night to remember, you are in charge of the Blogsville guest list.

Please leave your weapons at home. This is a friendly event. No pepper spray, no juju and definitely no acid. I have warned all of those... eh hem- good.

Anyway, as you can see I have a lot of planning, so toodles for now. (I am doing the MISS America wave)!!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The Color Purple

I am here typing this blog and watching Color Purple at the same time. I can't tell you how many times I have watched this movie. Maybe like 100. My sister and I used to watch this movie together. I miss her. I still can't believe that she is gone. We are only 18 months apart, and now she is no longer here... We used to joke about who would get kids first... compete about who could pick up the most guys... competing about everything... and fight like cats and dogs, but then there were times that we would be so close and share secrets that no else can possibly experience except for us.

Why couldn't you be stronger? Didn't you see you had your life ahead of you but you chose the easy way out why? At 19... you were beautiful, and conceited, at least you portrayed that you were.I did not mean to laugh at your Elvis sideburns... I would gladly take it back just to see you again. You were so beautiful 5'8 a body to die for. Guys would run their cars up on the sidewalk just to talk to you. Why? Just tell my why? What was wrong? Is it because of that your useless boyfriend?Death always leaves more questions than answers, and you know Mommy was a wreck, you were so close to her. She lost so much weight. We left your room with your purple walls and your purple chimes hanging there, as if you never left. Your funeral it was packed. Did you see how many people loved you? Your lifeless body lay in your purple coffin you looked so different. You were no longer with us anymore.

Did you like the poem I made for you?Sorry I couldn't read it and Auntie Wu had too, I just couldn't. I hope you are happy now and at peace. I hope you are surrounded by all your purple flowers, and everything purple.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

A Night To Remember

I am back after days of recovering from my Valentine's fiasco. Do you want the clean version or the nasty version ? I think I will err on the side of clean version this is a family blog, so I will definitely keep it clean.

My hair dressing experience was slightly thrown off because the weather was terrible in New York. It was snowing horribly and it was very cold. So it honestly did not make sense to go get a perm when it would have fallen and I would have wasted $125. I would have been too pissed! So I had it washed and curled and I was out of there in no time. Surprisingly!

S.O. Sexy was waiting for me when I got back home. In my haste to have a perfect Valentine's I forgot to buy him a card. How can I be so stupid!!! When I came back he was dressed already our reservation was at 12 something and he was dressed to kill. He had on a grey suit pin-stripe shirt with cuff links, and a beautiful red striped tie. He smelled so good. In his hand was a dozen roses and a card..OMG! I was ecstatic I gave him a lot of hugs and kisses. He is so adorable I guess he will not be sleeping in the doghouse after all. I showered and shaved and got ready. I was so slinky in my black dress. Every woman should own a black dress, they are not just for funerals. I glanced in the mirror now I know why he calls me Gorgeous. Did you actually think I named myself that? No I am not that vain. Even when we are out in public he will be screaming my name out and everyone would turn and stare at me. I feel completely embarrassed.

Off we are to Peter Luger. However, the SUV is snowed in. Oh god, a next wahala! Peter Luger is very finicky about time. I do not want to be late. We arrive in the nick of time had a great dinner, or lunch is more appropriate.
We are off to watch Norbit. It was great very funny. But what concerned me the most is the effect of making fun of fat people. I felt bad for laughing at someone else's suffering or looks. Who am I to do that? I felt a tinge of guilt for doing that.

After we left the movies I told him I had to go to the pharmacy. He drove me there, and I picked up his card stuffed it into my coat. I am saved!!! Thank God. We came home and I asked him if he is ready to finish his Valentine? He was ecstatic. He started nodding his head like a lizard.
I told him to give me a second. I had to quickly write the card, and gather all my aids. I couldn't pull off this Valentine without it. Let's see Hershey's
chocolate syrup, coconut oil, rose petals from one of the roses and my Strictly for Lovers CD. Times like this I wish I had a pole in my room. Oh well, I will work with what I have. I went to shower and change and put on my see through black ribbon teddy. Too hot I am on Fire! I came out to see him in his birthday suit. OMG! I told him he is too anxious. BUT HE LOOKS SO DAMN GOOD!I told him he needs to have a seat. I performed all of my favorite dance positions and finished with a nice split that made him almost lose his mind. By the way I am extremely flexible!

I laid him on the bed lathered him with baby oil in certain places and Hershey syrup in others . He was going crazy! He has the most beautiful colored eyes, they are the color of golden honey.That is one of the reason why I fell in love with him.


You actually thought I would give you all the naughty details.A woman is not supposed to kiss and tell. Let's just say after our marathon I am so sore and still recovering. I have to go to see the OB/GYN to see if he shifted my s@#* again... (smile)

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Love is in the Air....

In preparation for Valentine's Day I have decided to go all out. I hope S.O. Sexy likes it. One of my friends called me yesterday to find out if I have any plans on Val? I had plans for months. Valentine's is truly one of those holidays I enjoy. The festivity, all the love in the air can you feel it? But somehow after Valentine's the depression sinks in. My pocketbook is always filled with lint where my money used to be.

First I have to find my way to the beauty salon. Thank God it is in walking distance to my house. For days, I have been scratching my head non-stop. This only means one thing my head is going to be one big ball of fire when they relax my hair. My Mom says I scratch my head like if I have lice! Heeeeyyyy! God Forbid!

Me with lice- I told her never to utter that please. I will just die. Where would I get lice from? Why am I even entertaining this madness? - this coming from a woman that we have nicknamed Mad Cobra when we were younger.

I hate going to the salon!!!- let me rephrase I abhor going to the salon. Sitting in a beauty salon wasting six hours of my precious time to let someone come and tell me my hair is not dried. I have to go back under. While this is repeated at least 3 times and it is not like the dryer is not hot. It is -o. My face is red and it feels as I have temperature when they take me out.

My hair is just very long and it takes a while to dry. I promised my Dada long time ago I would never cut my hair after my crazy sister Sexy Mod went and cut off her hair. Her hair reached her middle of her back close to her buttocks.And where did the lunatic girl cut it up to -her ear.! Oh- my father had a coronary. He didn't speak to her for weeks and no I am not exaggerating...She has always been braver than me....

I had reservations for Peter Luger for months. Peter Luger is New York's leading steak house it is always packed and to those that ever watched Cheers in the 1980's that's what it looks like inside. The waiters are dressed in tuxedo shirts and bow ties, and they cater to all your whims and fancy.

The problem is this . I really don't think that S.O. Sexy likes Peter Luger- he is in this new phase of excercising where he wants to get down to a certain size and eating a whopping porterhouse steak that taste like butter and will probably give one a coronary is not his idea of a good time. But voila- I have managed to pull the rabbit out of its hat. He loves salmon, and you guessed it they have it on their menu. So I get to enjoy! yippee...!!!- and I am so happy because I absolutely love Peter Luger.Who cares if I will go from a size 6 to a size 10. But no worries I will do some serious exercising when I go to the club.

After that we are planning to go to see Norbit. I saw the preview and it looks funny. I just don't like when the jokes become too over dramatized that you end up being able to predict what the next one would be like. That just pisses me off, sha.

Then for the piece DE la Resistance... The creme De la creme.. dessert. Which happens to be me!!! Whoever guessed that gets a prize. My room looks like a candle factory, Luther and all my fav-o-rite love songs are in my CD player .I bought this number lets just say it covers what doesn't need to be covered and reveals in all the nice places. (haa..haa)

So that is it for me. I swear if S.O. sexy doesn't step up his game this year. He will be sleeping in the dog house. I mean that literally.

To all those in Blogville, to all those newly engaged Happy Valentine's Day!

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Operation Fire For Fire

To all of you who have been awaiting the jist on my almost fatal run in with "Naija' s finest". ( No I am not talking about Ramsey or 2Face o-. Actually I do have a picture with me and Ramsey. Ladies eat your heart out and let's just say he really worked up a sweat...(BIG SMILE) (I will find a way to post the picture but I have to find a way to cut out my picture- I kinda like the anonymous thing.) I don't like stalkers I had my fill of those.

So anyway, I was travelling to Abuja with S.O. Sexy. ( He is not like those things that T-Minx was offering on her site as men!!! Ladies he is fine... (I will post some pictures later)..Anyway, we were in Abuja it is really beautiful by the way. There are beautiful townhouses, beautiful estates in Maitama and Asokoro, and some in Wuse II. However, it does cost a pretty penny to live there. We travelled to Abuja Nicon ( one of my favorite romantic spots) and went around to Amigo's to get some snacks and other stuff.

I had my camera with me a Contax N1 , and it is a professional camera but I am just a novice who just loves taking photos. I was not even next to Aso Rock and I was just shooting my camera.

Within a lightning's flash I saw a policeman screaming. I had no idea he was talking to me. So me and S.O. Sexy continued to drive. Fatal mistake..
I didn't even realize what happened next... the crazy policeman called for back up!

I thought they were in pursuit of armed robbers how they had their machine guns drawn, and were following us. We we were trying to clear the way so they can catch the culprits. Little did I know I was the one and the same!

They jumped into the car, put their rifle into my face. I swear to God, I thought I was going to die! I was just trying to remember to say my last rites... I swear... A next officer jumped into the front seat and took the car keys from S.O. Sexy and pulled the car to the side. 2 more officers now jumped into the backseat.

I was past petrified. I have never been so scared in my life. The offense they said was taking pictures of ASO Rock, and they would take me down to the police station and lock us up. They wanted my camera . I told them no way...

I told them no way... they can have the film, but definitely not the camera! I know it might not have been the smartest thing to do, but S.O. Sexy has bought that as a birthday gift for me and I was not about to give it up that easily.

They took me to their oga who was still debating who I was. Whether or not I was a journalist, which paper did I work for. Was I even Nigerian. I was completely dumbfounded first and then belligerent, and then so angry. I guess that is the Cancer in me.

S.O. Sexy did not want a showdown with Fire for Fire, which is such a stupid name for a police force that every living and breathing Nigerian knows does not ever return any fire, they all vanish into thin air whenever any danger is around. They are only there to terrorize the poor masses all in the name of a lousy twenty or 1oo naira !

So getting back to my story, he started talking to them in Hausa and they started to calm down a little bit. They asked him if he does not know the custom. They are letting us off with a warning,next time they will not be that nice...

I was still irate and seething silently, what nonsense! Wasted two hours mind you - blasted idiots! Anyway, sha at least- I am still breathing thank God. How many people can say they faced Fire for Fire and walked away.

Fire indeed! Haa....Haa... (smile).

Monday, February 5, 2007

Nigerian Customs

This weekend I sat down packing and repacking my luggage to go to Nigeria. I know this may seem a little impulsive... okay I lie... Very impulsive seeing that I haven't even bought my tickets from British Airways. Something just pushed me over the edge.. could it be, the forecast reporting that that the next 3 days would be 20 degrees, with a wind chill factor of below O degrees. I think that might have done it !

I packed my basic necessities and the list reads:

a. malaria medication ( check)

b. Pepto bismol and wipes (check)

c. Motrin (check) I get serious migraines...

d. sun tan and sun block (check) I am tired of stupid people screaming out yellooowww... when they want me to buy something from them, (like that is actually going to make me buy anything)

e. toiletries (check)

f. camera and film(check) I am an aspiring photographer( that is until FIRE for FIRE) jumped into my car and almost wheeled me down to the police station. Why didn't anyone tell me I could not take pictures in Abuja?
This is too long to report now it is definitely for a next time.

g. Someone has told me once if you are not really comfortable with Customs checking your bag ( which I am not) you should put your undies on the top layer they will feel too offended to search through it. Great travelling tip I will tell you if it works when I come back.

Or it might have the opposite effect I might find some perv... secretly sniffing my Victoria's and Calvin's...

h. My bathing and summer clothes, that really need to be updated...

i. Trinkets for relatives...( even though I bring them things it is never enough , I always leave with just a little more than the clothes on my back.)

I might be missing something I am just not sure what! Most likely this is just a dry run, I'm almost certain to repack again...

Friday, February 2, 2007

Too Much Time

Work was exactly, how I thought it was going to be - a big snooze.....z.zzz....
TGIF- thank god its friday. The highlight of my day as follows..

Going to Africana Soul Food Cafe-in Queens,NY (Blessing's food is seriously off the chain) simply the best hands down. A good indication of how good food can be is by how distended your belly can be and mine is seriously distended.

Logged on to Overwhelmed NB site to get a couple of laughs, by the way I am still waiting for my prize.

Received my first comment on my blog thanxs for the shot out Taurean minx.

I wonder if it is too early to pack my luggage to go to Naija? My proposed travel is not until the end of March...

In A Naija State of Mind

I woke up this morning and all I care about is going back underneath the covers. It is so friggin cold !I read this book once by Buchi Emecheta, and she said if she was Jesus she would have passed London by, with all of the cold air and grey skies. Buchi, I second that motion ! However, I am not in London but in New York, and he needs to bypass here also.

Who wants to go to work today. certainly, not I! Just extra time pleaasseee... just five more minutes.... so I can dream more about Naija....with its warm sun, smell of petrol everywhere, fresh fruits, great food... cant wait to eat suya, bitterleaf, edikaikon, draw soup, and goat pepper soup and have a Chapman at Abuja Nicon.

I can't wait to dress in Nigerian attire...without someone asking me oh...are you going to a wedding? No, I just felt like wearing something that reminded me that I was home... Next ridiculous question why.... which is normally followed with a look of disgust.

Who cares... no one cares in Naija... all the countless materials from the finest the matching headscarves....I love seeing the men dressed in their caftans, their regality and sexiness could never be surpassed by any Western suits.

As you can see I am homesick... and no amount of five minutes will miraculously place me in Nigeria, Anyway, sha, time to get ready to go to work.