End of the Road

I heard an expression before that you never forget your first love. I guess this is true. Before I delve into and spill my guts out. Let me begin from the beginning....

On Friday, don't ask me the date I can't even remember- I think old age is getting to me. I know it was on Friday and I was shopping in Macy*s. I was coming out of the elevator and as soon as the doors opened standing right in front of me was the person I thought would have been my life partner. For anonymity we will call him (Samuel). I saw him and he saw me at the same time. That is how things were for us. It felt as though we were the only people in the world. For that moment time ceased and I was breathless.... I felt like I was going to pass out. After all these years, he has aged some I guess so did I -but the handsomeness and his smile is something I will never be able to forget.
He said he went back to look for me but my family told him I was married he said he was devastated. Is that true, he asked or did they just say that to get rid of him. I told him it was both true. He said so how is married life I told him it was great. He looked around to see if I was with anybody but I was alone. We stepped aside to let the other passengers off , and we stood there for what seemed decades.

He stared and I stared. I felt like I was time travelling. Ebb and tide of images. I remember how it was like at the end. I can feel the tears stinging behind my eyes wanting to fall down. I breathed heavily wanting to push those memories behind me, I had to reassure myself that I was happy. That brought me at least to a level where I would not have an emotional breakdown.


He said I looked beautiful. Would it be possible to get a hug. I told him I don't think that was a good idea. Not because I did not want to but I did not trust myself embracing him- maybe then I would be embracing the possibilities and I was not ready for that.


He was the first guy to ever put on my lipstick for me. He did it with such grace and caring that I fell in love with him at that moment. Nights we would spend together walking in the park . He would push me in the swings and we would go on the see-saw together. I hated that see-saw because he was much heavier than me and he would hold me suspended in the air. I was terrified but he would just laugh and say you should trust me not to let you fall. I loved him madly. and deeply. He was the most handsomest sexiest man I have ever seen in my natural life. He was so cocky and conceited. It drove me crazy and excited me at the same time.

About now you were wondering what went wrong. Well I will touch briefly on it. I was a virgin and remained like that for a long period into my adulthood. My friends would joke with me and tell me if I will be the last virgin on Earth. Maybe I was. At times I felt that way. S.O. Sexy was the first and my only guy I have ever slept with. I always wondered what it would be like with him (Samuel) but I did not trust him and I am so glad I didn't. But that did not say that it was not easy.

He broke my heart in the worst way and his betrayal was worse than anything I could have imagined. But to forgive him took some time and I had to think about the times that we shared that were special. My first kiss with him...I was breathless... and so was he... I felt electricity throughout my whole entire body I shivered. His lips were tender and soft and just enough pressure to make me melt. If it wasn't for a person knocking on my door we would have went further. Thank God for divine intervention....

Now I stand before him and he is looking at me with that penetrating gaze, holding my hand and saying... Now I see you and it brings back so many memories I was wrong, and I never got over you. Tell me how I can let go...

And in my mind I am thinking do I really want him too. My mind drifts to that Anthony Hamilton song( Can't let Go). Why can't I-- just let go.


STAY TUNED FOR PART II......